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You hold in your hands one of the most sacred totems in the history of Midwestern culture. The waffle iron is a wedding fetish whose origins are lost in history. Ancient Celtic excavations in northern France have unearthed bronze grid cooking utensils which may have been its historical precursors, but this is a subject of much scholarly debate. At any rate, since the dawn of Midwestern culture, the waffle iron has served a sacred function. The nuptial is not complete unless a blood relative (or close facsimile) presents the couple with a waffle iron. Legend has it that, so long as the waffle iron remains intact and in use at least once each year, the marriage will prosper. If the waffle iron is neglected, or falls into disrepair, then likewise shall the marriage be diminished.
The legend of the waffle iron was pooh-poohed by most respectable scholars until the Great Waffle Iron Fiasco of 1971. A shipment of defective waffle irons from Taiwan touched off the highest divorce rate in Kansas' history. Statistical analysis showed that the only probable correlative were the third-rate waffle irons. If that isn't proof enough for you, consider the advent of those frozen toaster waffles and the rising rate of marital discord in this country. Only the most stubborn social scientist would fail to comprehend the connection.
Despite the best intentions of psychiatrists and sociologists, the secret of a good marriage is not communication, empathy, or good personal hygiene. It is that happy Sunday morning in November when the waffle iron gets hauled out from behind the Osterizer and the Megajuicer and a box of waffle batter mix gets used-before-it-goes-bad. Such mornings offer marriages a proper, symmetrical foundation.
The next time you visit a garage sale or Goodwill, take a moment to mourn the pile of second-hand waffle irons. Each one is sad testimony to a marriage that just didn't make it.
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| The Parable of the Zither 
"Sona, you cannot produce a good sound on the zither if you tighten the strings too much, can you?"
"That is correct, man of great virtue."
"And at the other extreme, you cannot produce a good sound either if you loosen the strings too much, can you?"
"What you said is precisely right, man of great virtue."
"Then what would you do?"
"Man of great virtue, it is vital to tune the strings properly and neither tighten nor loosen them too much."
"Sona, you should realize that the practice of the Way, which I preach, is exactly the same. If you are too assiduous in your practice, you will strain your mind and become too tense. However if you relax your mind too much, then you will be overwhelmed by laziness. You must strike a balance in your practice of the Way as well." | | |
| Problem the First:
Three men, members of a safari, are captured by cannibals in the jungle. The men are given one chance to escape with their lives. The men are lined up and bound to stakes such that one man can see the backs of the other two, the middle man can see the back of the front man, and the front man can't see anybody. The men are shown five hats, three of which are black and two of which are white. Then the men are blindfolded, and one of the five hats is placed on each man's head. The remaining two hats are hidden away. The blindfolds are removed. The men are told that if just one of the men can guess what hat he's wearing, they may all go free. Time passes. Finally, the front man, who can't see anyone, correctly guesses the color of his hat. What color was it, and how did he guess correctly?
Problem the Second:
An explorer was trekking through a remote jungle when he was captured by logic-loving cannibals. He was brought before the chief and told, "You may now speak your last words. If your statement is true, then we will burn you at the stake. If your statement is false, we will boil you in oil." The man thought for a moment, then made his statement. Perplexed, the clever cannibals realized they could do nothing but let him go. What did the explorer tell them? | | |
| 5 Facts....Sure
1. I don't wear shoes with laces.
2. In 1991 I invented a new punctaton mark in Lithuania but soon after, both myself and the mark were banished, as this mark was pure evil and possessed the innate ability to set people on fire.
3.It has recently come to my attention that butterflies have quite noticably superior intelligence than do moths.
4. Once I put a book on top of a sink, just below the mirror. The book then fell into the sink and, this being a sink activated by motion, I presumed the book to be lost, dead in an imminent watery grave. However, the water did not start. I was sure that as soon as I reached in to obtain the book again, the water would flow and every page of the poor book would become saturated in death. I decided to leave the book there; forever it will wait in safety.
5. I am left-handed and will never be able to write with any gel ink pens. Markers can be trouble sometimes as well.
I don't presume I want to tag anyone,
but have a great day and a Pepsi. | | |
| Once I was sentenced to death in an obscure foreign country which has a strange law. Before the sentence was carried out, two papers -- one with "LIFE" written on it and one with "DEATH" written on it -- were folded up and placed in a hat. I was permitted to pick out one of the papers (without looking), and if I choose the one with "LIFE" written on it, I was to be set free. Otherwise, the death sentence would have been carried out. On this occasion, a mean-spirited acquaintenance of mine, bent on my demise, had substituted the paper with "LIFE" written on it with another one with "DEATH" written on it. This person gleefully informed me of what he had done and that I was doomed to die. I was not permitted to speak to anyone about this misdeed, nor would I have a chance to switch the papers or the hat myself in time. How did I avoid certain death? | | |
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